Types of Friends

THE ATTRACTIVE “BUT HE’S LIKE A BROTHER” FRIEND
Every girl who meets him wants to know if he’s single. Girls laugh flirtatiously when he tells a joke. Why aren’t you dating him? “He’s like a brother!”

THE BAR FRIEND
You only see her when there are drinks involved. Conversation is little, due to the loud thumping music deafening you. She is usually single and spends the better part of the night staring at guys and flirting. She may have made out with you, partly for fun, partly to get attention.

THE BEST FRIEND
The most coveted friend position. You can tell this girl anything. If you murdered someone, she’d bring over a rug to roll the body up in, and drive you to the nearest river to dump it. She matches you shot-for-shot on your birthday, and you both spend the next day praying to the porcelain gods. She’s the one who will tell you what jeans make your ass look fierce, and which give you muffin-top. The first person you call with good news. The person who holds your hand and threatens to break his balls off, when he breaks your heart.

THE BORROWER
She’s always borrowing your shit. And when you get it back (if you ever do), it’s scratched, ripped, or has some questionable foreign matter on it. Or if she’s your roommate or sibling, she’ll borrow without asking (essentially stealing), and when you go to wear your favourite lamb’s wool sweater, it’s been shrunk to the proportions of a Cabbage Patch doll.

CHATTY KATHY
You dread seeing her number on the call display because this girl can drone about her favourite subject – herself – for hours. You may have to feign another call/having homework to do/going into a tunnel to get her off the phone.

THE COMFORTABLE FRIEND
You two could sit and watch movies for hours. You could go for a drive in complete silence. But you don’t care, because you’re so comfortable together.

THE DITCHER
Your single, attractive friend who ditches you at the bar to suck face with a random.

THE EX-BOYFRIEND FRIEND
It didn’t work out as a couple, but this guy stuck it out as a friend. May only be accomplished if you only dated for a short period of time, or if some time has elapsed between your breakup and the friendship.

THE FACEBOOK FRIEND
She adds you on Facebook because you went to school/Girl Guides/Fat Camp/Alcoholics Anonymous together. You probably couldn’t even guess the number of siblings she has, but you add her anyways because you don’t want to feel mean.

THE FLAKER
Every time you make plans with her, something comes up at the last minute and she bails. Consequent plans have the same result. Why bother?

THE FLIRT
She flirts shamelessly with your boyfriend/brother/father. When you confront her about it, she claims, “I’m just being nice!” But everyone else knows better.

THE FRENEMY
Every catty act is so inconspicuous; you may think you’re just being paranoid. Three hours later, you realize her comment held a backhanded bitch-slap. How did she do that?!

FRIEND-BY-PROXY
You’re neighbours; you’re parents are friends; you get stuck together on a project. If you had to pick a friend out of a line-up, you probably wouldn’t pick her, but you’re stuck with her by proxy.

THE GAY FRIEND
He is the Stanford to your Carrie; the Will to your Grace (or Jack to your Karen if you prefer). He gives you the light-hearted approach to life that a girl needs sometimes. And acts as your bitchy fashion police.

THE GIRLFRIEND WITH A BOYFRIEND
She finally finds the “perfect guy,” and falls off the face of the earth. When you try to regain contact with her, she dominates the conversation with stories about the flowers he got her for no reason, or the cute story about the time they went out for hamburgers and he put straws in his teeth like a walrus: “You just had to be there, it was SO funny.”
Warning: She may only reappear when she and Mr. Right break up.

KAREN
“Every group has someone named Karen. And she is always a bag of douche.”
- Dane Cook

THE KID WITH THE KICK-ASS TOYS
When you were little, one person always had the best toys. And you would’ve eaten broccoli for a months to lay yours hands on that Barbie dream-house with the swimming pool, real working fireplace and Barbie’s walk-in closet.

THE LISTENER
She will listen to you bitch and cry your heart out, while nodding her head and making sympathetic noises. She deserves a cocktail on your dime.

THE MOOCHER
You get stuck paying for dinner, the movies, and then, somehow, her gas on the way home. Be careful, or she’ll suck you dry. And probably not in the good way.

THE OUT-OF-TOWNER
He lives out of town for school. You may only see him during the holidays or when it’s yours or his birthday. But when you do see him, man it’s just like old times.

OVERSEAS GIRL
She’s fabulous. ‘Nuff said.

THE PERPETUAL HANG-OUTER
This friend only appears at the most inopportune and awkward occasions, such as you are running late to your yearly gynecological appointment. She will stop you or her high-pitched squeals will. “AwhmiGAWD, I haven’t seen you in SO loooong!” If you can get a word in edgewise around the tales of her “FAWH-bu-less” life, she’ll nod with a big smile. She departs with the promise, “We HAVE to hang out soon! Call me!!” which is accompanied by a fake-phone-to-ear motion. Now you won’t see her for three months, minimum.

SAD SALLY
Nothing is ever good enough for Sally. “I’m not pretty enough,” “I’m too fat,” “No one will ever love me!” You can’t go shopping with her because she complains everything looks better on you. You can’t go out to eat with her because she’ll order a piece of lettuce and pout because she’s on a diet, and then she’ll eat all of your fries.

SECRET ADMIRER
He’s been holding a candle for you for quite some time. But it’s not so secret. You just avoid talking about it because it’s so awkward. And you get teased mercilessly about it when he’s not present.

THE SCHOOL FRIEND
You make friends with someone in your class. You two discuss assignments, study for the exam together, and then get a drink afterward to celebrate. And you never see her again after the exam.

SHOPPING FRIEND
You only see her within the confines of a store or shopping mall. But she has such a keen eye for sales and cool fashions that you keep her on speed-dial.

THE SIBLING
You may have hated each other when you were younger. But now you couldn’t be closer. And she may know you better than you know yourself.

THE TEXTER
She only corresponds by way of text message. Her thumbs are constantly poised over her phone, ready to fire off another witty remark. Her repartee even continues when you see her in person, and she ignores you in favour of her phone. Her eyes may go beady from constantly staring at her screen.