The Telephone

Greetings, folks. I'm here today to introduce you to a strange and new phenomenon that is sweeping the nation.

It's called the telephone.

Now, this may not be a new concept to many of you. But to some, this strange, new object is extremely foreign, or so it would seem. Therefore, I will now explain:

Do's and Don'ts of Telephone Etiquette:
aka Don't Do What Johnny Don't Does
or How to NOT Be a Moron On the Phone

- Whilst answering the telegrammophone, the following is proper procedure:

*ring ring*
You: Hello?
Them: Hello...

Other telephone greetings may include, but are not limited to;
"Simpson residence, Max Powers speaking."
"Greetings friend."
The Mr. Burns-approved favourite, "Ahoy-hoy."
"Good morning/afternoon."

And my personal favourite,
"Hey bitch."
(Of course, this greeting is only to be used in conjunction with the novel feature of Caller ID, whereupon I am completely aware as to whom is calling me, and can therefore greet them as such. This is not to be used with one's mother, grandmother, or family of the like, unless that is the sort of relationship you have with them. In which case, congratulations.)

- Once you have answered the phone, and completed your greeting, your caller is free to converse at will. If you are said caller, it should be known that cutting off the answerer of the telephone is impolite. The only reasons for you to do so, are as follows;

You are female and you are in labour, in which case, time may be of the essence.

You are in distress of some kind (your foot is caught in a bear-trap, or your beer goggles have worn off, and you need to get the hell out of wherever the hell you are), in which case time may also be of the essence.

The following are innappropriate responses when the phone is answered:

- Silence. Surely you have a reason for actively seeking a phone, picking up the receiver, dialing a number and waiting for someone to answer, and I'm sure it was not to say nothing. So speak. That is why you have a voice. Unless you gave it away to find some Prince you're apparently "in love" with, but let Hans Christian Anderson deal with that one.

- Responding, "Hellooo??" in confusion. I spoke, now it's your turn. Say something intelligent, or I will hang up.

- Hanging up. Now this is simply rude, especially when you call right back to do the same thing.

- Interrupting the person's greeting. It's called taking turns; maybe you didn't learn it in elementary school, but a few episodes of Sesame Street should refresh your memory.


- There are two kinds of traps that can be created when you are speaking on the telephone with a person.

1. Tanya Talks Too Much: This person likely lives alone, with at least one requisite cat, and will keep you speaking with her as long as she can. Well, as long as she can. Despite numerous attempts to convey that you have other, more pressing issues to attend to, she will just keep talking, much like an Energizer Bunny, who keeps going and going...

2. Debbie Don't Interrupt: This chatterbox is even worse than the former, because she won't even let you get in a word. The second you answer the phone, she's running off on a tangent about her kids, her grandkids, their pets, what school they go to, her favourite place to shop, her favourite place to walk, the gossip from the home, which foods she can and cannot eat, what's wrong with the "yout's" of today, a funny story that happened on her way to pick up groceries, why the kid at the grocery store gave her the stink-eye, and didn't he know that he should respect his elders, and why don't you call me more often, don't you know I'm almost80andIwon'tbearoundmuchlonger (thank GOD). Don't even try to interrupt this type of caller; just mumble some sort of responses, and slowly place the receiver back on the hook, and continue about your business.