Ongoing Strike

When we were little kids, it was quite simple to make friends. That girl has a pink backpack - mine is pink too! Let's be friends!!

Friendships could be based purely on superficial means - you're neighbours, she sits next to you in class, he has a wicked pool. Adult things like jobs and relationships weren't there to muddle things up, and make you act more mature.

As we grow older, we mature; and yet, it seems as if we are sliding backwards in the maturity of our friendships. I believe we blame surrounding factors - I'm too busy at work, school, with my boyfriend, with my family - but perhaps it could be based on our own selfishness.

How many people can honestly say they make an effort to contact their friends?

My strike continues.

Today I messaged a friend, stating that I am tired of our one-sided friendship. I felt a little bad for what I said, so I called, twice. That was twelve hours ago. Still no response. Pretty friendly, huh?

Why do I struggle with this? Do I have high expectations of what I believe a true friend should be? Or do people care about no one but themselves?

It feels rotten to know that the people I consider my "friends," really don't give a damn about me. Totally, ass-kicking, loneliness-feeling, pit-in-my-stomach, rotten. I wish they could know this, but they seem too ignorant to care.

Not So Friendly Friends

It's become increasingly more difficult to be friendly to people lately.

And by that I mean, I am growing very sick and tired of the one-sided friendships I seemed to have created.

One-sided meaning, I am doing all of the f#$*ing work.

It's not the first time I've felt this way. I once messaged my two "best friends," and told them both, quite bluntly, that I am tired of always being the one to call them and make plans. If they want to be my friend, then they should make some effort too. Why should it always be me?

I may bitch; I may be pretty bold-faced; I may have a strong personality. But I am a damn good friend. Anyone would be lucky to be close to me.

Unfortunately, I am beginning to realize as of late, that I am struggling to name any "best friends." My closest friend in the world lives in Toronto. My sexy single, international friend is, obviously, across international waters at the moment.

I've always prided myself on being an excellent friend. Call me at two in the morning and I'll listen. Let me get the check for dinner - you can pay next time! Let's go shopping for three hours to find the perfect jeans for you! I'm often the one who makes the plans, orchestrates the night out, invites everyone over for drinks, makes food for everyone to eat. Most of that is because I'm quite anal, and like everything my way, on my turf.

But why do I always have to be the one making the calls?

In this past week, I've called my "best friend," about three times, and she still hasn't called me back. I called my other friend, and when I told her I couldn't come over on Friday (the first time she's invited me out in probably months), I was the one making new plans for next week.

Am I crazy? Am I secretly, actually a really bad friend and person, who doesn't deserve to forge relationships of any kind with people?

Or are my friends just lazy?

With Every Heartbeat

I got a message on Facebook from an ex-boyfriend of mine.

We dated when I lived in Ottawa. We started dating when I was in grade 10, and he was in grade 11. (To be fair, this is not to send the message that I was an awesome player, dating older guys. I went to an arts high school. The ratio of females-to-males was 7-1. That is, for every seven girls, there was one guy. And many of them were gay, so it was more like 9-1. Sad odds.)

When I moved to London, halfway through grade 11, we obviously broke up. At first, I didn't want to, but then I realized something; I hated him.

He was rude, inconsiderate, immature and one of the most selfish people I've ever met (it didn't help that he was an only child). He wasn't that good looking either...

The message:
Hi! Call me weak but once and a while [awhile] I think about you and no matter how bad of a parting we had I think its [it's] nice to say hi ONCE every few years or so haha. I just think its [it's] kind of weird to be close to someone for a pretty long time and then just NEVER talk to them again. I think I did email you a few months ago and never got anything back. [never got said email] It doesn't really matter to me if you don't send anything back. But I'm a good man [or so you/your parents would like to believe], and it REALLY wouldn't hurt you just to say hi once and a while! [sounds like it DOES matter...] Either way as far as I can remember the ORIGINAL reason we broke up was because you moved to London. [um, no. It was in fact NOT.] I didn't like drive through your parents living room window or something haha. [okay, no, I'll give you that, but you did some other shitty stuff]

The next part is all about him, how he's in fourth year at Concordia, and got even fatter and uglier than before (alright, that last part is a lie).

And the end:
So... anyways I really don't know what you think about me [I still think you're a loser] but like I say [said] I don't really have anything against you and I just thought it wouldn't hurt just to say hi. Let me know how you're doing if you choose! Take care of yourself!

I sent the message to my friend. He pointed out all of the emphasis he placed on certain things, basically making me out to be the bad guy.

Why do ex-boyfriends have to come back into your life? Why can't they all be sent onto a deserted island, where they have to rot and think about all the shitty things they did to you, and then feel reallyreally bad?

I think I'm going to take my sweet time in responding, and make him sweat...

For Good

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason,
Bringing something we must learn.
And we are led to those who help us most to grow,
If we let them and we help them in return.
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true,
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you.

It well may be
That we will never meet again in this lifetime,
So let me say before we part --
So much of me is made of what I learned from you;
You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.
And now whatever way our stories end,
I know you have re-written mine by being my friend.

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better,
Because I knew you I have been changed for good.

Lose

Did you think that you could just walk away?

Either way,
There is no point in me
Lamenting.

Because you can't lose something you never really had.

Hide and Seek

Where are we?

What the hell is going on?

The dust has only just begun to form,

Crop circles in the carpet,

Sinking feeling...

Oily marks appear on walls

Where pleasure moments hung before.

What you say?

That you only meant well - Well of course you did.

What you say?

That's it all for the best - Of course it is.

What you say?

That it's just what we need -You decided this.

What you say?

What did she say?

Ransom notes keep falling out your mouth,

Mid-sweet talk, newspaper word cut-outs,

Speak no feeling, no I don't believe you,

You don't care a bit, you don't care a bit...