All About London

I never thought I'd say, but I actually miss London.

Yes. The city I thought I'd never miss, I am feeling deep pangs of longing for.

The city where the transit system is a joke, where the street names are confounding (Sunnyside Drive to Sunnyside Crescent to Sunnyside Court), the people have an air of importance, the university students run the downtown bars and there is a whole lotta NUTHIN' goin' on.

I miss it.

The things I miss about London, in no particular order:
- The fact that I can call a cab at 10:45 p.m., and take me downtown for about $15, in far less time than it would take me to even get to the subway station, let alone ride the subway somewhere.
- And if I wanted to, I could walk to the bar. (Although who the hell are we kidding, there's no way I would do that...)
- I can get poutine at 2 a.m., and then walk home from the bar eating it. Okay, I can get the food, then sit in a cab ride home eating it. Again, for $15! It would cost about $40-60 to take a cab home in Toronto, depending on what bar I'm going to.
- The lack of choice in bars. This both means I don't have to be choosey, and I'll probably see someone I know (for example, a certain namesake in the bathroom at T.J. Baxter's on a random Saturday night).
- Parking. How I miss the days of driving places in less than 15 minutes, and not having to promise my first-born child so I can park my damn car for ten minutes. Now the allure of a place is whether or not it has free parking ("That mall has free parking?! Well, what stores does it have? A Giant Tiger? Well, at least I can park for free!").
- The summer. All of the free festivals (which equals lemonade and food), as well as the UWO students departing, and being able to get into any bar, at any time. The city may be dead, but we have a kick-ass time drinking all the drinks those students would be drinking.
- And for that matter, Western. I can walk to class in under five minutes, instead of having to take some mass transit system, or run. And the campus really is beautiful, instead of some drab space crammed into a downtown block, where I can meet my classmates, as well as some hobos I'm sure.
- "Fashionable" Western girls. I don't know which is worse; the Ugg boots and TNA bags of the Western fashion elite, or the fake geek glasses and randomly coloured hair that is favoured by Toronto girls. Either way, it made for an amusing past-time on campus.
- Traffic. Well, the abscence of it. Honestly, why is there a traffic jam on the Don Valley parkway at 9:30 p.m. on a Thursday night? I just want a schwarma, dammit!
- SCHWARMAS! Everywhere. Two in White Oaks, a bunch downtown, and I can park for free and get my fix. Honestly, I would do anything for a good schwarma.
- Crowds on the subway. Move out of the damn way!
- The JLC. Okay, the ACC definitely gets better concerts (Justin, Britney, Madonna, Christina, Pink, to name a few), but it sure was nice to get the hell out of the concert at a decent hour (see Traffic). Oh, and not pay a ton for parking (see Parking). Everything just comes full circle, here...

The things I like about Toronto, and where London is sadly lacking:
- The subway (no, not the restaurant, but who doesn't love their meatball subs?!). I can take it anytime during the day, and wait only a few minutes for it arrive (you hear that 13 Wellington?! A few minutes, not every half-hour.), and then go all over the city. And on that note...
- The transit system in general. Again, you can get almost anywhere in the city. Sure, I'm not going to ride it for 90 minutes to get to airport, but it's the idea that I CAN which makes it so appealing.
- The lack of choice in bars. Seriously, if there's a line at my favourite bar, Thorny Devil, I'd probably go to Robinson Hall, and tempt the bouncers upstairs to let me in somehow. But other than that, I don't "do" waiting in line at bars. If there's a line, I'm probably out, and not likely going to hoof it somewhere else. And with all the Western students, good luck getting into anywhere good after 11:30 p.m. on a Friday/Saturday night.
- Creepy London boys. At least, compared to moderately well-dressed Toronto boys who usually don't greet me by staring at my breasts. And these are the guys at the bar who leer and attempt to dance with you when you aren't paying attention. Yes, they exist everywhere, but these boys are often small-towners, who just want to get married and procreate. No thanks.
- Vintage shops. So many, so little time.
- Not working in a job where my job description accounts for the fact that I will likely be yelled at, by people too incompetant to realize their electronic item won't turn on because they haven't hit the "power" button.
- Getting to wear jeans at work. Wearing jeans just about everywhere. Maybe I can finally use the 25+ pairs I own.
- The abscence of "Fashionable" Western girls. Instead I get mature students at Ryerson who wear penny loafers and sweater sets. And I'm in jeans (see above).

I'm not sure if I'm missed anything.

Either way, I do miss London, and most of all, miss all of the awesome people who live there. As I've said to some of you, "I live in Toronto, but I party in London!" While that may be true right now, I know I'll eventually stop coming back every weekend, and begin fully appreciating Toronto. And then who knows? I'll probably move somewhere else, and miss Toronto!

Phone

Walking across campus tonight to my car, I couldn't find my keys. I started to shake my bag furiously, to attempt to locate the jingling of my keys, inside my massive purse (which contained my wallet, a book, numerous tissues, a chocolate bar, lip gloss, my phone and the elusive keys).

During my crazy shaking-of-my-large-purse, my phone became dislodged and went flying across the concrete, hitting the ground so hard that the battery door flew off.

I then screeched like a crazy person.

I think I frightened the people standing nearby.

And they may have laughed at me.

Either way, the important matter of this story is that:
1. My phone is okay (thank jeebus)
2. I attended my last class at Western tonight. Without much fanfare.

Doesn't feel like four years are over...

Female Powers

Lindsay: Still waiting for a drink?

Man friend: Yeah. The bartender looked right at me, then served someone else.

Lindsay: I'll help.

*leans over bar and smiles*

*two bartenders appear*

Bartender: What would you like?

Works every time...

Gym

Note to self: begin working out in the main gym as opposed to the women's only section. It is much more motivating to look at deliciously sculpted eye candy, as opposed to fat, sweaty old ladies.

Other note to self: four-times-a-week gym excursions are treating your legs and tush very well. Keep up the good work - those jeans look faboosh.

Sayanora!

One of my coworkers, who was never very nice (to anyone, let alone me), is going to work at another store. He invited everyone out next Friday.

Today he came up to me:

Coworker: So you gonna miss me?

Lindsay's Brain: Hell no.

Lindsay: Um, yes...

Coworker: That didn't sound convinvcing.

Lindsay's Brain: Because I don't like you.

Lindsay: No, uh, I will.

Coworker: You coming out on Friday?

Lindsay's Brain: I'd rather saw off my foot.

Lindsay: I, uh, think I may be hanging out with my friend *attempt to look pensive, like I'm concentrating really hard to remember*

Coworker: Ohh, suuuure.

Lindsay's Brain: I don't have to give you excuses! I don't like you!! I'm glad you're leaving!!!

Lindsay: No, I think I already have plans.

Coworker: That's because you don't want to come.

Lindsay's Brain: Correct.

Lindsay: Well, y'know, you stick with the person you made plans with first.

Coworker: Seems like a good excuse.

At this point, I just turned away and tuned him out. I'm happy to see this guy leave.

Types of Friends

THE ATTRACTIVE “BUT HE’S LIKE A BROTHER” FRIEND
Every girl who meets him wants to know if he’s single. Girls laugh flirtatiously when he tells a joke. Why aren’t you dating him? “He’s like a brother!”

THE BAR FRIEND
You only see her when there are drinks involved. Conversation is little, due to the loud thumping music deafening you. She is usually single and spends the better part of the night staring at guys and flirting. She may have made out with you, partly for fun, partly to get attention.

THE BEST FRIEND
The most coveted friend position. You can tell this girl anything. If you murdered someone, she’d bring over a rug to roll the body up in, and drive you to the nearest river to dump it. She matches you shot-for-shot on your birthday, and you both spend the next day praying to the porcelain gods. She’s the one who will tell you what jeans make your ass look fierce, and which give you muffin-top. The first person you call with good news. The person who holds your hand and threatens to break his balls off, when he breaks your heart.

THE BORROWER
She’s always borrowing your shit. And when you get it back (if you ever do), it’s scratched, ripped, or has some questionable foreign matter on it. Or if she’s your roommate or sibling, she’ll borrow without asking (essentially stealing), and when you go to wear your favourite lamb’s wool sweater, it’s been shrunk to the proportions of a Cabbage Patch doll.

CHATTY KATHY
You dread seeing her number on the call display because this girl can drone about her favourite subject – herself – for hours. You may have to feign another call/having homework to do/going into a tunnel to get her off the phone.

THE COMFORTABLE FRIEND
You two could sit and watch movies for hours. You could go for a drive in complete silence. But you don’t care, because you’re so comfortable together.

THE DITCHER
Your single, attractive friend who ditches you at the bar to suck face with a random.

THE EX-BOYFRIEND FRIEND
It didn’t work out as a couple, but this guy stuck it out as a friend. May only be accomplished if you only dated for a short period of time, or if some time has elapsed between your breakup and the friendship.

THE FACEBOOK FRIEND
She adds you on Facebook because you went to school/Girl Guides/Fat Camp/Alcoholics Anonymous together. You probably couldn’t even guess the number of siblings she has, but you add her anyways because you don’t want to feel mean.

THE FLAKER
Every time you make plans with her, something comes up at the last minute and she bails. Consequent plans have the same result. Why bother?

THE FLIRT
She flirts shamelessly with your boyfriend/brother/father. When you confront her about it, she claims, “I’m just being nice!” But everyone else knows better.

THE FRENEMY
Every catty act is so inconspicuous; you may think you’re just being paranoid. Three hours later, you realize her comment held a backhanded bitch-slap. How did she do that?!

FRIEND-BY-PROXY
You’re neighbours; you’re parents are friends; you get stuck together on a project. If you had to pick a friend out of a line-up, you probably wouldn’t pick her, but you’re stuck with her by proxy.

THE GAY FRIEND
He is the Stanford to your Carrie; the Will to your Grace (or Jack to your Karen if you prefer). He gives you the light-hearted approach to life that a girl needs sometimes. And acts as your bitchy fashion police.

THE GIRLFRIEND WITH A BOYFRIEND
She finally finds the “perfect guy,” and falls off the face of the earth. When you try to regain contact with her, she dominates the conversation with stories about the flowers he got her for no reason, or the cute story about the time they went out for hamburgers and he put straws in his teeth like a walrus: “You just had to be there, it was SO funny.”
Warning: She may only reappear when she and Mr. Right break up.

KAREN
“Every group has someone named Karen. And she is always a bag of douche.”
- Dane Cook

THE KID WITH THE KICK-ASS TOYS
When you were little, one person always had the best toys. And you would’ve eaten broccoli for a months to lay yours hands on that Barbie dream-house with the swimming pool, real working fireplace and Barbie’s walk-in closet.

THE LISTENER
She will listen to you bitch and cry your heart out, while nodding her head and making sympathetic noises. She deserves a cocktail on your dime.

THE MOOCHER
You get stuck paying for dinner, the movies, and then, somehow, her gas on the way home. Be careful, or she’ll suck you dry. And probably not in the good way.

THE OUT-OF-TOWNER
He lives out of town for school. You may only see him during the holidays or when it’s yours or his birthday. But when you do see him, man it’s just like old times.

OVERSEAS GIRL
She’s fabulous. ‘Nuff said.

THE PERPETUAL HANG-OUTER
This friend only appears at the most inopportune and awkward occasions, such as you are running late to your yearly gynecological appointment. She will stop you or her high-pitched squeals will. “AwhmiGAWD, I haven’t seen you in SO loooong!” If you can get a word in edgewise around the tales of her “FAWH-bu-less” life, she’ll nod with a big smile. She departs with the promise, “We HAVE to hang out soon! Call me!!” which is accompanied by a fake-phone-to-ear motion. Now you won’t see her for three months, minimum.

SAD SALLY
Nothing is ever good enough for Sally. “I’m not pretty enough,” “I’m too fat,” “No one will ever love me!” You can’t go shopping with her because she complains everything looks better on you. You can’t go out to eat with her because she’ll order a piece of lettuce and pout because she’s on a diet, and then she’ll eat all of your fries.

SECRET ADMIRER
He’s been holding a candle for you for quite some time. But it’s not so secret. You just avoid talking about it because it’s so awkward. And you get teased mercilessly about it when he’s not present.

THE SCHOOL FRIEND
You make friends with someone in your class. You two discuss assignments, study for the exam together, and then get a drink afterward to celebrate. And you never see her again after the exam.

SHOPPING FRIEND
You only see her within the confines of a store or shopping mall. But she has such a keen eye for sales and cool fashions that you keep her on speed-dial.

THE SIBLING
You may have hated each other when you were younger. But now you couldn’t be closer. And she may know you better than you know yourself.

THE TEXTER
She only corresponds by way of text message. Her thumbs are constantly poised over her phone, ready to fire off another witty remark. Her repartee even continues when you see her in person, and she ignores you in favour of her phone. Her eyes may go beady from constantly staring at her screen.

Elf

"I'm sorry I ruined your life and crammed eleven cookies into the VCR."

Fashion

The state of fashion in our current day is at an all-time low.

That is truly saying something. After all, we have previously seen the 80’s – crimped hair, pink lipstick, acid-washed, skinny jeans, with jean jackets on top, even the one-handed, finger-less, lace gloves, worn by Madonna (a fashion icon in herself – who could forget the cone bra?). We have also seen the early 90’s – the birth of Nirvana, and with it, the grunge look, complete with pale, baggy jeans, and flannel – as well as the later 90’s, of which I was able to experience. Looking through photos, I am appalled at the number of cotton “onesies” I wore when I was young, as well as the embarrassing clunky items we once called “shoes.”

But now, I fear that fashion has taken a turn for the worst; a turn into completely inappropriate and frankly embarrassing territory. And by that I mean, the appalling number of females who have chosen to wear shirts as dresses.

At the Thorny Devil, while listening to some excellent house music, and burning off some unneeded calories on the dance floor, I turned to discover the young lady next to me was wearing a black shirt as a dress. It was definitely a shirt; it was made of cotton, had short sleeves, and extended just past her hips. She had paired it with a pair of black, three-inch mules. All of this combined to make her look like she was either at a very high-class resort, and had thrown this shirt on over her bathing suit, or that she had simply left the house without her pants on.

To make things even worse, this novel idea seems to have begun in certain stores. At Urban Behaviour, I was greeted by a wall of short dresses. Alright, this is the new fashion trend: short dresses. But I am a girl who is on the taller side – 5’8” to be exact. Therefore I have come to terms with the fact that most short dresses are too short for me to wear without exposing myself in a rather un-ladylike manner. Sadly, other females do not seem to realize this.

I once purchased a shirt from the aforementioned store. When worn with jeans, it is very flattering, and I’ve gotten several compliments on it. Unfortunately, when back at the same store on another occasion, I witnessed a girl trying the same shirt on as a dress. To be fair, she was shorter than me, but I definitely felt rather uncomfortable watching her prance around the changing rooms in something that could only be described as a shirt.

What is this new overwhelming fashion trend? I do not comprehend it; when did it become acceptable to leave your home without being fully clothed? Am I suddenly unaware of the overwhelming amount of female who have misplaced their pants? I don’t think I will ever understand how a self-respecting female can look at the mirror, as she is wearing a shirt that barely covers herself, and think, Wow, this sure does look good…